Seminar Principle #2: Remember, Hurting People Hurt People

In John C. Maxwell's book Winning with People, he introduces an idea he calls “The Pain Principle.” Maxwell teaches that whenever someone does something hurtful to you or those around you, you need to “look beyond the Person for the Problem.” Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, react with compassion. Look for the source of his or her pain to find a connection between the two of you. As you interact with others, remember this:  anytime a person's response to an issue is larger than the issue at hand, that response is almost always triggered by something other than the issue itself.

In Mark Goulston's book Just Listen, he gives 6 steps to Dealing with Hurting People.

1. Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling.


2. Say, “I am trying to get a sense of what you are feeling and I think it is _________. Is this correct?” If it is not , then ask, “What are you feeling?”


3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Count at least to 20 to give the person time to respond.  Be prepared for a torrent of emotions.


4. “And the reason you get so frustrated is because….?”


5. Then say, “Tell me what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”


6. Next say, “What part can I play in making that happen?”

I hope you are enjoying the excerpts from our recent seminar “How to Communicate and Connect with Your Staff and Patients.” In my next blog post, I will share with you Principle #3: “The Gardening Principle: All Relationships Need Cultivation.”